As I lay in a hot bath attempting to scorch all the negativity that has settled within me, I find myself completely lost. Lost…for the first time in awhile. I’ve not been lost in years. There’s been bouts of feeling lost, but it was never being lost, jut being overwhelmed. At this moment, it’s lost.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I’m going. Everything I thought I was, the person I thought I was, isn’t. I’m none of those things. I don’t know who I have turned into. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. Today was just the day the light turned on.
I have taken several rides down memory lane and I have realized the person I was; the person who loved life doesn’t exist. The spontaneous, loving, caring, excited, happy, funny, carefree, soulful person I was is gone. She has departed this world. I don’t know why and I don’t know when, but I know she is gone. I miss her. I miss loving this life.
I am a believer in if you fall seven times you stand up eight. You never give up. Ypu push through. Maybe that’s the problem. Pushing through. Not taking the time to properly heal my heart and soul with every break and crush. Just push through it. Life isn’t always easy. It’s not always kind. It definitely has been difficult the last several years. We all have our traumas. We all deal with those traumas, one way or the other. Or at least we try or think we have. The question is did we really?
I don’t know if I’m just now having a breakdown from all the stress. I don’t know if I’m having a moment. Whatever it is, is rocking my world. I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m, I don’t know what I am. I know I’m not happy. I’m not fulfilled. I’m tired. I know I’ve created the life I lead and if I don’t like it, change it. If it were only that easy. If only.
My water is cooling off. My skin red from the heat. Sweat beading on my forehead. Tears streaming down my face. I’m alive. I am blessed.
wanderingmindmindlesswandering 