My Cocaine

We all have it. That person or “thing.” The vice, if you will, that no matter where we are in life, what we are doing, who we are with, when it appears we gravitate towards it/them. Whatever it may be has the absolute power to destroy what you know. It has the ability to tear apart your being and turn your otherwise peaceful world into utter chaos. No matter how much time passes when it arrives you know you are in for a ride.

It’s called your “cocaine” because it’s addictive and has the power to create such destruction that it’s almost impossible to come back from. My cocaine, in the form it’s in, showed it’s face today. No matter how hard you try to run from it, avoid it, move past it…it will resurface. The most devastating part is it comes when you least expect it. When you finally start to get to a place where you’re okay with it being non-existent is when it will come for you. Maybe not with the intention to hurt you, but it does. It reminds you of what was.

We all have it. Think about it. What’s the one thing in your world that can resurface at any time and knock your knees out from under you?! What the one thing that can crumble your solid foundation?! It exists.

I have spent the better part of the last two years attempting to recover from that which I am “addicted.” It is not in the form of a drug or alcohol. Hell, those may be even easier to recover from – coming from a former lush. This is much stronger. A connection, that no matter how long it’s been or how bumpy the road has been, can be broken. It has no regard for the well-being of one or both. You spend so much time waiting and wanting just a glimpse and then you get it – several times in a matter of months. That glimpse is more than you’ve had in two years. And it leaves you longing for more. Chasing the high that you once had – that it once brought you. Your heart skips a beat and then drops into your stomach. For a brief moment you have that high and then it’s gone as quickly as it appeared. That’s your “cocaine.” 

I think at some point you realize you will never shake it. Maybe it’s because you don’t really want to or it’s because of the connection. Whatever the reason, it can make the strongest of people weak.  It is what it is and it will be what it will be; however, figuring out how to let it be just that is easier said that done.

I’m not a big believer in coincidences. I think things happen for a reason. Maybe we don’t always know those reasons but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It’s not uknown that life has kind of handed me a really shit deal this year. And while I have fought it every step of the way – the fact is, I needed Aces and I got two’s. I’m reminded of those two’s each day I wake up. So, I collect the two’s now. But, every now and again we get the Ace we need – and sometimes it’s in the form of our “cocaine.” While it can start that dreaded domino effect it can also give you that little glimmer of hope. It’s almost as if it knew you needed an Ace that day – and the Universe gave it to you. A reminder that you are still in memory and thought. That regardless of where life takes you there will always be that connection – and while it’s not ideal it helps – even in the slightest.

I’ve tried not to read to much into it. I can over analyze the slightest of things. I have had to learn to stop analyzing. To let it be what it is. Not everything makes sense in this world. Many times nothing makes sense in this world. It’s another lesson – another reminder. I used to be a firm believer that you fight for what you want, but sometimes battles are not won with fighting and wars are won with surrendering – to yourself. For every battle eventually there will be a war and we have to decide if that war is worth all that it will cost you – take from you. We choose to fight or surrender. Not giving up but realizing that even when you fight for it, if there’s no one fighting with you or for the same then really you are fighting a losing battle. At the end of the day, we are responsible and accountable for what we allow to affect us. We get to choose. We get to choose how it affects us…

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