Over the next however long I will spending the majority of my blogging time discussing suicide; in many various aspects.
On July 23, 2016, my little brother, age 28, took his own life. He had text his mom and dad and told them he loved them and goodbye. They tried to reach him. To talk to him. His last message to his dad said, “just leave alone.” NO one heard from him after.
He pulled off of the interstate onto an access road that was around a rest stop. The cameras at the rest stop recorded him entering the area at around 12:30 a.m. His last message to his dad was around 12:50 a.m. Soon after, he got out of his car and put a 12 gauge shotgun to his head and pulled the trigger. Someone found them on their way to work – hours later. He left his hazard lights on. The family was not notified until approximately 1:45 p.m.
As information came in and pieces were put together I determined that this was not an impulsive act. He had a plan. He had planned this. All the actions of the Friday night before were him saying goodbye. He somehow snuck his shotgun out od the house. He left with the pretense of going out. He met with at least one friend, had a drink, and disappeared. As he killed himself, people were frantically searching for him, trying to call and text him. He didn’t want to be found.
I don’t know what was going on in his head. I don’t know what pain and hurt he felt. I know he had some stuff going on, but by ordinary means they weren’t a game ender. They must have been for him. I can only imagine how lost he was. None of us saw thus coming. There were no signs, no red flags.
I want to be mad at him, but I find I’m only heart broken for him. That his pain was so unbearable this was the only option he thought he had. That this extreme, permanent act was the answer he had. I’m heart broken that his life was so dark and that he was so lost.
His story was not over. There were few too chapters written. There were so many chapters left. But, his story ended in the most tragic of ways. Ways that leave no answers – just more questions.
Rest in peace, little brother. Your life meant something – to me. You meant something – to me. I hope you are at peace now.