It’s been a month since my kid brother made the decision to take his own life. A decision that I understand. You see, there was a time in my life when I pondered suicide. It was a real option for me. I would have had it not been for my dog and my therapist. Life was dismal. I couldn’t see past the pain, the demons, the darkness. So, I understand.

However; because I understand doesn’t mean I’m at peace with his decision. It doesn’t mean I agree with it or support the decision he made; I don’t.

I search for answers I know I will never find. I try to pinpoint a moment when his world became unkind. When his world crumbled beneath him. When his life became so unbearable the only option he felt he had was suicide. I can’t.

Suicide?! Is it immoral? Does one go to hell? Is it the coward’s way out? In short, no. I don’t base my morality on religion. In fact, I don’t base my life on religion. The belief in a supreme being is no longer a part of my life. I believe in the Universe; in Mother Nature. To take your life does not make you immoral; which leads to the next question – do you go to hell? I don’t believe in heaven and he’ll. I believe we return to the Universe; to Mother Nature. But, if you believe the Bible and follow it’s preaching then if you are not baptized then perhaps you do. My brother was baptized, and even if he weren’t, I don’t believe a soul as kind as his would spend eternity in hell. Many times we hear and even say, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” This is one of the most ignorant statements I have ever heard. Not all problems are temporary. The overwhelming pain and despair leads one to believe that life is no longer worth living. For that person suicide may be the only option / solution they have. Who are we to judge what’s temporary or permanent?!

I miss Matt. The reality still has not sunk in. Intellectually I know. My heart – well – she has not caught up yet. I have no cried since before the memorial service. I’ve felt the tears well up but they never fall. I’ve lost a sibling before – I a very different way – so I know what’s coming; whenever that is. But in this moment it’s not time.

For those thinking of taking your life, please reconsider. Ask for help. Reach out. Life gets better – I am proof of that. Just hang on one more day…

Until next time…


One response to “Suicide?!

  1. Holly, these writings are so heart breaking. All I can say right now is that you are an amazing person and you deserve to be happy and have peace and love in your life. I’m so sorry that you have had to suffer so much. I love you honey and there are many who do. I wish I were there right now to put my arms around you and hug you. You are a force to be reckoned with and I am so very proud of you. Please stay strong. I know from experience how hard it is to lose our loved ones. And you are right-it is a process and you can only do it one step at a time, and only when you’re ready to take the next step.

    I do believe in heaven and I believe Matt is there. I don’t believe that suicide is an unpardonable sin. I have never seen that in the bible. Our God is a loving and gracious God. It’s this world that isn’t always so wonderful. When Larry and Jacque and Tiffany all passed away it left me with a lot of questions and working my way through things. It has been hard on our whole family. Everyone has so much pain and it’s hard to figure out what to do with it and how to go back to a “normal” life….as if there is any such thing. It was especially hard to understand how those who were the kindest and most loving were the ones to be taken so soon. After much, much, thought I think I really did come to understand why. It is because to us (the living) death is the worst possible thing that can ever happen, but in reality if you do go on to heaven and the glory of God, then it really isn’t the worst thing. I’m not trying to preach at you at all. I love you very much and my heart aches at the pain that you have had to go through in your life. But it is my hope that you will give God a chance. It is in Him that I have been able to find an enduring peace in the midst of all the chaos of this life. Please do me one favor, if you’ve never seen the movie “Heaven is for Real” please watch it or read the book. It’s a short book but it’s a true story about the death experience of a little 3 year old boy. It answered a lot of questions that I have had about heaven and how things work.

    You’re a special person Holly and I pray for good and beautiful things to happen for you in your life. Take care and remember you are loved.


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