Vividly You

I don’t know where to begin when I wake in the mornings. I don’t know where to end when I fall asleep at night. Wherever I am there you are. The first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. I’m sure you’re even in my dreams. It doesn’t matter what I do there you are vividly in my mind. Music, television, yard work. laundry, cleaning, getting ready, ironing there you are. For the last year and a half I have tried to get you out of my head; only because it was painful to think of where you might be. Now, I just let you reside there. I don’t try to get rid of you. You resonate in everything, in everyday. I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you so many times – especially over the last few days. I can’t. I guess it was a momentary lapse of insanity. You were on my mind and for a brief moment I thought…

I don’t know how to do this life without you. Over the last year and half knowing you were still in this world seemed like enough. I don’t know how to do it knowing you aren’t here. I don’t know how to deal with people anymore. I want to crawl into bed and never leave, but I know I can’t do that. I have no patience for the stupid drama going on around me. I used to at least be able to deal with it, but now…I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let it go. I am losing my cool. I am losing my compassion. I am losing the understanding I once had. I have prided myself on the growth as a human. I have prided myself on being authentic. I question all of that now. I question my purpose in this world.

I don’t know how to do this without you. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but there is no preparation in the world. 25 years…you were my best friend for 25 years and I feel like I failed you. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe you just gave up. I was ready to be your anchor – but you refused and drifted further away. You were like sail in a storm – you could no longer direct your own path. You forgot you had someone that was willing to help direct you. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped caring. I just couldn’t watch you slowly kill yourself. I should have done more, Khel, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I should have protected you. I tried. Maybe I should have tried harder. I don’t know what else I could have done. I did everything I knew to do, but you weren’t ready. I just knew you would be one day and I was always going to be available, no matter what. You never got there.

I am so fucking mad at you. I am mad that you weren’t stronger. I am mad that you copped out. I am mad that you were too fucking stubborn to ask for help. I am mad that you allowed yourself to get so deep into the depths of hell and couldn’t find your way out. I am mad you left before we could make things right. I had so much hope and that is gone. I am sad that you never saw your potential in this world. I don’t understand why you didn’t just reach out. You knew I would always be here. Why didn’t you accept the help you were offered? I don’t know how to begin to process all of this. My heart breaks every time I think of you. I think of all the times we had and I am devastated I will not have anymore of them. I am devastated that you are gone.

I talked to your momma tonight for almost 2 hours. She misses you, babe. She misses you so much. She loves you. She is breaking. She wants justice for her baby girl, just as I do. She wanted to much for you, but most of all she wanted you to be happy. She wanted you to see your potential. The one good thing about this is that it brought us closer. I am more determined now to make sure we keep in touch. No more losing touch. You always wanted us all back together and now that we are you are missing. Your momma said something tonight that helped. She said at least you are no longer in pain. She’s right you aren’t, but we are. I’m sorry your life was so painful that you needed something to help you escape that pain. I never dreamed this would be the end of your story. It doesn’t seem like you had enough chapters written. As I sit here and type all this a picture of you comes into my head. You are smiling – smirking really. You’re peaceful. Is that what it’s like wherever you are? Are you finally at peace?

Khel, I miss you. I have missed my friend for so long. I will never get her back and it’s tearing me apart. I have so much regret and guilt. I held myself to a high standard in being your friend and I failed. I don’t know how to fix that. There’s nothing you can do. I know you were on your path and I was on mine. This was your journey not mine, but it’s hurts all the same. You followed my lead so many other times I guess I had hoped you would this time. When you didn’t and when I realized that you wouldn’t I had to stop enabling you. I had to try something else because what I was doing was not working. I tried tough love and even that didn’t work. I want you to know my door was always open. My heart never closed. My love is unending. I wish you would have called, reached out, something. I miss you. I miss you more than you will ever know.

Wherever you are I have your 6.

I hope you never questioned my friendship, love, and devotion, Khel.

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Here I Am Again

Here I am again, Khel. Writing – because I don’t know what else to do. You are constantly on my mind. Nothing I do comes without thoughts of you. Your presence is as overwhelming as your void. I skimmed through your facebook page today. I saved any post you wrote about me or to me – at least what I could see of them. Where did that Kheli go? Where did my best friend go? The person I saw in those posts are not the person I lost twice. That sweet, beautiful soul was gone. You became a shell of the person you once were. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened. It still doesn’t make sense to me and it is still so surreal.

The hardest part…I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. I don’t know where to begin or where it will end. You promised me. We had a deal. I don’t guess either of us kept our end of the bargain. The difference is you don’t have to deal with the aftermath. With the pain. You are free from your pain. You are free from your brokenness. I am not. I am left here with the pain and the brokenness. With the regret and guilt. With a heart that hurts, a soul that is shattered, a spirit that is crushed. I have to figure out this life without my best friend. All the hopes I had gone. It’s an abysmal path. A dark one. One I am not and was not ready for. I was not ready for you to leave this world. I was not ready for you to leave me. It was not supposed to end this way. You were supposed to overcome. You always did before.

I don’t know how to do this, Khel. I don’t. I’m trying. I’m keeping my head above water but I just want to sink. I don’t have it in me to sink, but I don’t know if I have it in me to say goodbye to you, either. You left me half of who I am. I am not me without you. Even when we weren’t speaking you were still part of me. You helped complete me. You made me a better person. Through all the trials and tribulations we always came out on top. We lost this one, Khel. Neither of us came out on top. You’re gone and I’m spiraling down into the abyss. You broke me this time, babe. I don’t know how to glue myself back together. I don’t know where to start in putting the pieces back together. I’m lost.

I have scoured through old phones and pictures trying to find all my pictures of you and, like you, they are gone. I don’t know where they are. I don’t know how to find them. I don’t know how to find you. I have pulled as many pictures off of facebook or anywhere else that I could find. Any reminder of your beautiful face. The real smiles. Gawd, I miss that girl. I know you struggled in life but at some point I know you were happy, I just don’t know what went wrong. Where it went wrong. I guess part of me knows the cause, but we will leave that between us. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Your beautiful life is gone. Your kids without their mom. Your mom without her daughter. You see, it’s not just about me Khel; however, I am so deep in my own grief that it’s hard to understand what each of them may be going through. One good thing…me and your momma reconnected. We are supporting each other. She misses you, babe. She misses you so damn much. We will avenge your death. Those who brought you so far down and used you and helped you get to where you were…karma will find them or we will ensure they don’t get to do that to another human being. They were never your friends. They have scattered like the cockroaches they are. It’s just not fair but no one told use life would be. We knew from an early age it wouldn’t be…but it was always me and you. Together we made it through many storms. One of the biggest storms of my life and you aren’t here to help me through it. You bailed.

I am struggling, Khel. More than I ever thought imaginable. Who knew missing you could hurt this much. I wish I knew what to do. Some advice would be great right about now. A text. A phone call. You. Give me something. Please…