Vividly You

I don’t know where to begin when I wake in the mornings. I don’t know where to end when I fall asleep at night. Wherever I am there you are. The first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. I’m sure you’re even in my dreams. It doesn’t matter what I do there you are vividly in my mind. Music, television, yard work. laundry, cleaning, getting ready, ironing there you are. For the last year and a half I have tried to get you out of my head; only because it was painful to think of where you might be. Now, I just let you reside there. I don’t try to get rid of you. You resonate in everything, in everyday. I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you so many times – especially over the last few days. I can’t. I guess it was a momentary lapse of insanity. You were on my mind and for a brief moment I thought…

I don’t know how to do this life without you. Over the last year and half knowing you were still in this world seemed like enough. I don’t know how to do it knowing you aren’t here. I don’t know how to deal with people anymore. I want to crawl into bed and never leave, but I know I can’t do that. I have no patience for the stupid drama going on around me. I used to at least be able to deal with it, but now…I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let it go. I am losing my cool. I am losing my compassion. I am losing the understanding I once had. I have prided myself on the growth as a human. I have prided myself on being authentic. I question all of that now. I question my purpose in this world.

I don’t know how to do this without you. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but there is no preparation in the world. 25 years…you were my best friend for 25 years and I feel like I failed you. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe you just gave up. I was ready to be your anchor – but you refused and drifted further away. You were like sail in a storm – you could no longer direct your own path. You forgot you had someone that was willing to help direct you. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped caring. I just couldn’t watch you slowly kill yourself. I should have done more, Khel, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I should have protected you. I tried. Maybe I should have tried harder. I don’t know what else I could have done. I did everything I knew to do, but you weren’t ready. I just knew you would be one day and I was always going to be available, no matter what. You never got there.

I am so fucking mad at you. I am mad that you weren’t stronger. I am mad that you copped out. I am mad that you were too fucking stubborn to ask for help. I am mad that you allowed yourself to get so deep into the depths of hell and couldn’t find your way out. I am mad you left before we could make things right. I had so much hope and that is gone. I am sad that you never saw your potential in this world. I don’t understand why you didn’t just reach out. You knew I would always be here. Why didn’t you accept the help you were offered? I don’t know how to begin to process all of this. My heart breaks every time I think of you. I think of all the times we had and I am devastated I will not have anymore of them. I am devastated that you are gone.

I talked to your momma tonight for almost 2 hours. She misses you, babe. She misses you so much. She loves you. She is breaking. She wants justice for her baby girl, just as I do. She wanted to much for you, but most of all she wanted you to be happy. She wanted you to see your potential. The one good thing about this is that it brought us closer. I am more determined now to make sure we keep in touch. No more losing touch. You always wanted us all back together and now that we are you are missing. Your momma said something tonight that helped. She said at least you are no longer in pain. She’s right you aren’t, but we are. I’m sorry your life was so painful that you needed something to help you escape that pain. I never dreamed this would be the end of your story. It doesn’t seem like you had enough chapters written. As I sit here and type all this a picture of you comes into my head. You are smiling – smirking really. You’re peaceful. Is that what it’s like wherever you are? Are you finally at peace?

Khel, I miss you. I have missed my friend for so long. I will never get her back and it’s tearing me apart. I have so much regret and guilt. I held myself to a high standard in being your friend and I failed. I don’t know how to fix that. There’s nothing you can do. I know you were on your path and I was on mine. This was your journey not mine, but it’s hurts all the same. You followed my lead so many other times I guess I had hoped you would this time. When you didn’t and when I realized that you wouldn’t I had to stop enabling you. I had to try something else because what I was doing was not working. I tried tough love and even that didn’t work. I want you to know my door was always open. My heart never closed. My love is unending. I wish you would have called, reached out, something. I miss you. I miss you more than you will ever know.

Wherever you are I have your 6.

I hope you never questioned my friendship, love, and devotion, Khel.

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