Here I Am Again

Here I am again, Khel. Writing – because I don’t know what else to do. You are constantly on my mind. Nothing I do comes without thoughts of you. Your presence is as overwhelming as your void. I skimmed through your facebook page today. I saved any post you wrote about me or to me – at least what I could see of them. Where did that Kheli go? Where did my best friend go? The person I saw in those posts are not the person I lost twice. That sweet, beautiful soul was gone. You became a shell of the person you once were. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened. It still doesn’t make sense to me and it is still so surreal.

The hardest part…I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. I don’t know where to begin or where it will end. You promised me. We had a deal. I don’t guess either of us kept our end of the bargain. The difference is you don’t have to deal with the aftermath. With the pain. You are free from your pain. You are free from your brokenness. I am not. I am left here with the pain and the brokenness. With the regret and guilt. With a heart that hurts, a soul that is shattered, a spirit that is crushed. I have to figure out this life without my best friend. All the hopes I had gone. It’s an abysmal path. A dark one. One I am not and was not ready for. I was not ready for you to leave this world. I was not ready for you to leave me. It was not supposed to end this way. You were supposed to overcome. You always did before.

I don’t know how to do this, Khel. I don’t. I’m trying. I’m keeping my head above water but I just want to sink. I don’t have it in me to sink, but I don’t know if I have it in me to say goodbye to you, either. You left me half of who I am. I am not me without you. Even when we weren’t speaking you were still part of me. You helped complete me. You made me a better person. Through all the trials and tribulations we always came out on top. We lost this one, Khel. Neither of us came out on top. You’re gone and I’m spiraling down into the abyss. You broke me this time, babe. I don’t know how to glue myself back together. I don’t know where to start in putting the pieces back together. I’m lost.

I have scoured through old phones and pictures trying to find all my pictures of you and, like you, they are gone. I don’t know where they are. I don’t know how to find them. I don’t know how to find you. I have pulled as many pictures off of facebook or anywhere else that I could find. Any reminder of your beautiful face. The real smiles. Gawd, I miss that girl. I know you struggled in life but at some point I know you were happy, I just don’t know what went wrong. Where it went wrong. I guess part of me knows the cause, but we will leave that between us. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Your beautiful life is gone. Your kids without their mom. Your mom without her daughter. You see, it’s not just about me Khel; however, I am so deep in my own grief that it’s hard to understand what each of them may be going through. One good thing…me and your momma reconnected. We are supporting each other. She misses you, babe. She misses you so damn much. We will avenge your death. Those who brought you so far down and used you and helped you get to where you were…karma will find them or we will ensure they don’t get to do that to another human being. They were never your friends. They have scattered like the cockroaches they are. It’s just not fair but no one told use life would be. We knew from an early age it wouldn’t be…but it was always me and you. Together we made it through many storms. One of the biggest storms of my life and you aren’t here to help me through it. You bailed.

I am struggling, Khel. More than I ever thought imaginable. Who knew missing you could hurt this much. I wish I knew what to do. Some advice would be great right about now. A text. A phone call. You. Give me something. Please…


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