Every time 

Every time I say your name, write your name, think your name I fall apart. I see a picture of you and I fall apart. I think of you and I fall apart. I fall deeper and deeper into this abyss of you. All things you and I fall apart. 

It’s like the Universe pulled the rug out from under me and instead of falling on my ass I am falling down this dark hole that is never ending. Every now and again I get a rest and then the ground beneath me gives way and I start to fall again. 

I don’t know how different it would be if we had been on good terms when you died. I’ll never know. I do know that because we weren’t this is unbearable. There’s never a chance for reconciliation. I have gone over our last conversation a million times and each time it’s always the same ending. It’s like I try to imagine a way to reconcile it. A way to correct it knowing that no matter which way I play it in my head it happened the way it did. I can’t go back and change it.

I continued living my life but thought of you often. You never left my heart, mind, or soul. You were always there. I worried about. Like you, I was too stubborn and hard-headed to reach out. I tried to call a couple of times and your number wasn’t the same. I never tried to reach out again after that. I allowed my pride to get in the way. You allowed your pride to get in the way, too. That was always our problem. When we thought we were right there was no telling us different. It didn’t matter what the truth was. This time I was right and I wasn’t going to say otherwise. 

We had a battle of epic proportions and there was no winner. We both lost. I think I lost the most. You’re gone after all. My regret and guilt run deep. It’s too soon to wade through all of it. Too soon to forgive myself; so I sit in my shit and allow myself to spiral a little. I allow myself to be angry with you and with me. I allow myself to wallow in self-pity. Because why not?

There’s been a hollowness in my life where you once were. I always kept a spot for you. Now it’s permanent. It’s a hollowness that has taken over every part of my being where you once lived. I don’t know how to fill it with fond memories of you. I don’t really even know how to see past your death right now. I dont know how to think about the good times and all the love you brought into my life. Right now I can’t see past the black home I am in. I don’t know when I’ll see the light, the end of the dark hole. One day, I hope.

I hope one day a peace fills my being where you once were. A peace that only you can fill. Your beautiful soul floods my being. Until then, I will find a way to make it. I will find a way to get up each day and deal with the hand I was dealt. You promised me one time you’d never leave me, but you have. I know you’ll be back one day, but that day is not today…

Forever and always I’ve got your six…

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